The Arcana: Theory and Speculation

The Fool

Upright: The Fool stands on a cliff's edge, overlooking the limitless potential of their future. The way is uncertain, but you have all the tools. Make the leap. Do not let insecurity blind you.
Reversed: The Fool rushes in without guidance, ignoring all the warning signs. Beware of acting rashly. Consider the consequences of your actions and tread lightly in the dark.












The Arcana presents an interesting writing challenge. By choosing a chapter-naming scheme reflecting the Major Arcana, the developers (devs) force themselves - Trinket Scenes and Tales aside - to tell a complete story in exactly twenty-two chapters. As a result, the player can see exactly how far they are into the story. They've even built a visual metaphor into the chapter-select screen: starting with Book XII - The Hanged Man, the chapter titles start moving from the left to right-hand side of the screen.

In preparation for writing this essay, I replayed each route from Book XI onward, and I noticed something: in every route, Julian turning himself in serves as the midpoint twist.

Source: Three act structure: How to write a satisfyingly structured novel

This event takes place in Book X - Wheel of Fortune, and serves as the cliffhanger for that chapter (please refer to Lindsey Ellis' video How Three-Act Screenplays Work (and why it matters) for more information on structure). In Julian's own route, the culmination of this twist is his death and resurrection, but that is not true in every route. The actual resolution of this arc is different for each love interest (LI), because his arrest and the events that follow force each of them to confront something different. In Asra's route we aren't even present for the hanging, since finding a cure to the plague doesn't actually matter to Asra; he only cares that you don't die of it.

Here's where my analysis runs into a logical problem: The Arcana is actually three stories (thus far). I could, technically, break this up into three separate essays. So, what the hell is my thesis, anyway?

I want to summarize each route thus far, with emphasis on the most recent chapters; analyse each LI's character arc; and use this information, along with the in-game descriptions for each of their tarot patrons, to speculate on the nature of the Upright and Reversed endings. This requires a separate thesis for each character, so we're just going to have to go without for now.

In each route, the LI is implicated in Lucio's murder along with Julian. While Julian is always the only person found guilty, this sets into motion a series of events which forces the LI to confront their primary character flaw. However, because this is a story in which the player can affect the outcome, whether or not they successfully overcome that flaw depends on you. So, obviously Nadia is flawless what is Nadia's flaw?

The High Priestess

Upright: The High Priestess stands guardian to the gates of mystery, offering arcane secrets to the initiated. Listen to your dreams; allow your intuition to guide you. All will be revealed in time.
Reversed: The High Priestess stands between you and your inner self, blocking the way forward. Be careful of losing touch with your intuition. Do not close your mind to the world's mysteries.












I find the choices in Nadia's route to be the most obvious (of course she shouldn't immediately fire Portia the moment she learns that she told one relatively small lie). As a result, Nadia's route seems to be the least likely to accidentally end up on the Reversed path. I had some trouble fitting the information together into a coherent hypothesis, though.

Is she too distrustful? Well, yes, but there are also good reasons for her to be slow to trust others. Her courtiers do nothing but lie and try to manipulate her. Is she at risk of becoming a tyrant? There are some examples of this, but they feel more like a symptom of the problem rather than her primary character flaw. Plus, it doesn't really fit with the description of The High Priestess.

The most obvious answer is that she doesn't let people close to her, or she has too much of a need to prove herself. Both are true, but, again - it doesn't fit. The High Priestess is about the inner self. Needing to prove herself fits a bit better than anything else in that regard, but that doesn't really explain the Portia situation. I'd argue that it's another symptom and still not the underlying cause.

So, what does Julian's hanging force Nadia to confront, and what does she have to do to resolve the problem?

Oh.

Oh.

My queen.

Ok. Nadia's flaw is a tendency to avoid confronting her problems at their source. Instead, she presses forward, focusing on immediate obstacles at the expense of their root cause, allowing her larger problems to fester and compound. The problem isn't that she's angry at Portia, it's that her first instinct is to send her away without any explanation. It's not that she dislikes her sisters, it's that she left Prakra without ever telling them that their actions were making her uncomfortable.

This ties together all of her problems. She starts off feeling like she's stuck living in her sisters' shadows, so she develops an urge to prove herself. However, she's always always going to be the youngest. So, instead of confronting her sisters about their infantilization, she leaves for Vesuvia, where she believes she can prove herself capable as a countess. Of course, once in Vesuvia, her husband ends up being useless as a count. Nadia has good ideas, but Lucio's more interested in throwing lavish parties, so they're never implemented. She becomes frustrated and withdraws to her tower. Eventually, Lucio gets sick, but by then the whole city's dying. Julian and Asra provide some help, but in her mind, her failures have piled up, and she needs to do even more to prove herself. As a result, she believes that she has to do things herself, so she never accepts too much help. Inevitably, she becomes overwhelmed. By not facing one problem, more and more arose.

When she first wakes up, she's consumed with the drive to find and hang her husband's murderer. She states that she's doing it so that she could move on, but the only way to move on from Lucio is through confronting Lucio. Julian turns himself in shortly after Nadia sees Lucio's ghost for herself and learns that the evidence suggests that Julian couldn't have killed him.

Julian's hanging forces a time limit on Nadia, in which she has to confront Lucio, or else an innocent man will die.

This fits with the meaning of The High Priestess. Nadia hasn't been taking the time for introspection. As a result, she can't move truly forward before carefully sorting through the baggage from her past.

Book XIII - Death focuses almost exclusively on Nadia learning how to better delegate tasks so she's no longer overwhelmed. Returning to the palace after Julian's hanging finds you swarmed with Masquerade-related minor crises (that poor peacock wrangler). Nadia has to go to her sisters for help, which they are happy to provide. She admits that if she tried talking to them years ago, they might have had a better relationship.

Masquerade 

The masquerade isn't a huge change of pace in Nadia's route. Her costume is amazing, and there's a healthy mix of fun and mystery solving. Nadia takes the lead for the horniest route for a while (Julian reclaims the title in The Tower), and the paid scenes get kinky if you make the right choices. Plot-wise, not much happens until The Devil shows up.

The Devil

Volta leads you to the secret banquet hall, where you find The Devil disguised as The High Priestess.

In Nadia's route, The Devil asks for the longest amount of time: three days. The offer is made to Nadia: don't interfere with his plans, and in exchange, Lucio will be out of the picture forever. She asks you for your opinion, but ultimately she refuses no matter what.

With Asra and Muriel's help, you and Nadia devise a plan to go between realms to try to kill Lucio before he can return.

A number of differences have been found in Julian's route which indicate whether the player is on the Upright or Reversed path. Those differences, like Julian himself, are rather dramatic. However, players didn't notice any differences in the other paths until The Tower, where there is two very different versions of dialog in one of Asra's paid scenes. This led many to wonder whether there were differences in Nadia's route that had gone unnoticed because they were more subtle, or because fewer people were on Nadia's Reversed path. As a result, Tumblr user waterinyournewshoes found and documented some of these differences.

Along with some minor differences throughout the route, major differences were found regarding Nadia's feelings about to kill Lucio.

Nadia asks if you would kill Lucio if it were up to you, and you have the option of saying you would or you wouldn't. For either choice, her response is different depending on whether you're on the Upright or Reversed path.

"I'd kill him."
Reversed
Nadia: "Then we are in agreement."
Nadia: "It is not for personal reasons, of course."
Nadia: "But I cannot risk him coming back and ruining everything I've tried to do for Vesuvia."
Nadia: "The city has slowly recovered while he was dead to them. I'm only rectifying a botched job."

Upright
Nadia frowns softly, nodding to herself.
Nadia: "That makes me feel better about my own decision. Only... I worry how it may change me."
Nadia: "Lucio treated killing like some light affair, or something to be proud of."
Nadia: "He reveled on the battlefield and reviled peacetime."
Apprentice: "It won't. You're not doing this because you love it. You're doing it because you have to."
Apprentice: "That's what makes you a good ruler."
Nadia gives me a soft, tired smile.
Nadia: "Thank you, [Apprentice]. I hope you are right."

"I wouldn't kill him."
Reversed
Nadia: "No?"
Nadia: "You are kind, [Apprentice]. Perhaps too kind."
Nadia: "Those less considerate than yourself might use that to take advantage of you."
Nadia: "Sometimes... a leader must make hard decisions to protect her people."
Nadia: "... I will do this myself, [Apprentice]. I only need you still there by my side when it is over."

Upright
Nadia frowns softly, though she doesn't look surprised.
Nadia: "No? Even if it means the deaths of thousands of others? That is the reality we face if the plague returns."
Nadia stops, turning to pace me fully, and reaches out to cup my cheek.
Nadia: "You are kind, [Apprentice], and you have a good heart. I'll need that in the coming days, I think."
Nadia: "Still... ending another's life is not a decision to be made lightly. Even with such high stakes."
Nadia: "That is my role as ruler. I have to make the hard choice no one else can."

We're shown that on the Reversed path, she isn't considering why her actions are necessary. She views Lucio himself as the problem, and killing him as a foregone conclusion. On the Upright path, she is more hesitant. She still comes to the conclusion that she needs to kill him, but she has a better understanding of why killing him is necessary.

Either way, the plan backfires. You need to go non-corporeal to reach Lucio, and The Devil uses this as an opportunity to take your body.

The Tower

Everyone is roasting Lucio Monty Lucenzo, even Muriel.

This is the only route where your goal in The Tower isn't to get to The Magician's realm. Instead, you're trying to reach The High Priestess.

We find ourselves in what appears to be the Lazaret with a past version of Nadia. As it turns out, while she was sleeping for the past three years, she was actually trapped here, in The Tower's realm. The Tower, you reason, represents "something that needs to be destroyed, in order to move on," and ask her about the Lazaret. She sees it as a reminder of her failures, how she didn't confront Lucio or accept help from Asra and Julian. It crumbles when she determines how she might have done things differently.

Finally, you find yourself in The High Priestess' realm. She commends you on getting this far, and implores you to continue to stand by Nadia in the future.

Ilya, my love, has some flaws. Most notably: impostor syndrome, survivor's guilt, suicidal ideation, and an unhealthy compulsion to self-martyr. Not to mention the fact that he's clearly desperately touch-starved. How do we tie this mess together into a singular trait he has to overcome?

The Hanged Man

Upright: The Hanged Man relinquishes control, sacrificing himself to the judgement of the World. Sometimes, the best strategy is a swift retreat. Take time to regroup and re-examine your options.
Reversed: The Hanged Man is offered as tribute against his will, and self-determination is wrested from his grasp. Be careful of stagnation - your own goals have value. They don't deserve to be put on hold.












The Upright and Reversed meanings for The Hanged Man pretty explicitly provide us with the answer: Julian's flaw is a lack of agency.

Tumblr user stormsandsea was the first person to notice a discrepancy between two separate playthroughs of the game, and it happened in Julian's route. There is difference in dialog in Book XII, and which dialog the player receives cannot be affected by any choice within that chapter. This is likely an early indicator of whether or not the player is on the Upright or Reversed path.

The difference, which takes place before the first attempt to contact The Hanged Man, is as follows:

Reversed
Reluctantly, I pull away. He tries to chase my mouth, but I rest a hand on his chest to stop him.
Apprentice: "We have to meet Nadia and Asra for the ritual."
Julian: "They can wait a little longer, can't they?"
Apprentice: "Not forever."
Julian: "Then I guess I'll be the one waiting a little longer."

Upright
Then he pulls back, reluctantly.
Julian: "Er, well, as much as I'd like to stay here for the rest of the night... "
Julian: "We still have things to do. Rituals to conduct, ominous words to chant."
He's right, but it's a pleasant surprise to hear him say it.
Julian: "Maybe we'll finish this later, eh?"
Julian: "Hmm, that doesn't sound as good without a wink... "

Julian is more confident and decisive in the latter dialog, and much more willing to try to reach The Hanged Man magically.

The majority of this arc is spent trying to find out why Julian turns himself in, and coming to terms with the fact that you need to trust his plan.

No matter what happens, Julian always dies.

The difference is why he dies. Julian begins the story believing he deserves to die, for a murder he didn't commit - that he doesn't remember committing, but he believes he must be guilty, why else would he feel so bad all the time? However, after visiting the dungeon and learning the truth, he's choosing to die in order to meet The Hanged Man and find a cure to the plague.

The motif of choice is repeatedly emphasized during this arc:

• Valdemar implies that the plague doctors (other than themself) felt they didn't have a choice in how research was conducted because of their desperation to find a cure
• During this arc, Julian comments "despite everything, you chose me"
• You decide that you don't need to breathe underwater in The Hang Man's realm
• When he blames himself for your death, you reassure him "It was my decision. My choice, for better or worse."

Julian always dies, but Julian doesn't have to always come back.

The arc resolves when Julian is given a second choice. He's reassured that the plague will be cured whether or not he returns (though, vitally, he isn't explicitly told that you're witnessing the conversation) and allowed the option of remaining in The Hanged Man's realm.

This is why your attempt to reach The Hanged Man magically fails. You can't be present in a capacity which might effect his decision to return.

In choosing to come back, Julian accepts that he is responsible for his own life. He'd spent the last three years on the run, never really doing anything other than going along with whatever was immediately in front of him and never planning for the future because he was convinced that, one way or another, his guilt would kill him. Coming back, choosing to live, means figuring out how to live. Having a future means deciding what that future will look like.

Masquerade 

This is the first choice in the game which effects the rest of the chapter after it's made. If you chose to chase the goat, your dialog will be impatient, constantly challenging Julian's ideas and singularly focused on task to the point he notices before you do that you're starving. His responses are meek, almost ashamed justifications of his plan. If you stay and listen to him, though, your dialog throughout the chapter is much more supportive. You gladly, rather than reluctantly, follow through with his plans, and overall you both seem much more confident.

The Bath Scene?? IS SO SOFT???

In Julian's route, when played with a mind towards cooperation, the masquerade feels so much like a victory lap. After so much angst, he's finally accomplished what he needed to do. With the weight of his guilt and needing to find the cure off his shoulders, he's exuberant. He's joking around, zip lining, and dancing on tables. He even gets what is probably the most romantic scene in the game.

It's up to the player which scene they like best, but "Let me take care of you," is just so...

Let me tell this boy I'm proud of him, please.

Of course, this moment of reprieve can't last.

The Devil

Like in Nadia's route, The Devil disguises himself to you and Julian. This time, as The Hanged Man. He isn't alone, however. Valdemar's hanging around, too.

In this route, The Devil offers to get rid of the plague if you stay between realms until sunrise. When you first run into Lucio in the hedge maze, he implies that you should both think it over, but ultimately the decision falls to the player.

If you refuse, Valdemar performs some sort of alchemy, and you and Julian are both pulled from your bodies.

If you accept, you are pulled from your body. As your body falls, Julian grabs your arm. Then, he's pulled from his body as well. It's unclear exactly why this happens. It could simply be because he touched you. It could also be because The Devil promised to get rid of the plague, and with Lucio back, Julian's symptoms and contagiousness would also return.

Either way, Valdemar takes Julian's body as you both rush after your ashes some grey "smoke" to the ballroom, where you see Lucio return.

The Tower

Book XVI - The Tower is significant in that it's the first chapter where players noticed major differences in one of the other two available routes which indicate whether or not the player is on the Upright or Reversed path.

Which is not to say there aren't differences in Julian's route, because, oh boy, there are.

The Tower is a mobius strip. This fact is discovered by Julian after accidentally dislodging a brick jumping out of a window!?

Yeah. That's one of the indicators.

Shortly after finding yourself in The Tower's realm, you and Julian hear a voice outside the window, pleading for help. After a moment's consideration, you realize it's your voice. By the sound of it, you're burning to death, invoking images of the Lazaret.

If you're on the Upright path, you and Julian calmly reason that it must be a trick, as you're right there with him, perfectly ok. Then, he leans on the windowsill, accidentally dislodging a brick, which falls right back to your present location.

If you're on the Reversed path, instead of a brick, he jumps out of the fucking window to "save" you.

Either way, you realize that either climbing or descending The Tower is pointless. Gotta use magic.

That brings us to the second difference.

Julian posits science and magic as mutually exclusive disciplines. You argue, reminding him that you were his apprentice at one point and suggesting that if you can learn medicine, he could learn magic.

He's reluctant.

If you choose "It's okay. You don't have to," you attempt to use your magic to break The Tower on your own and fail. As a result, Julian changes his mind; he'll to learn magic to help you. However, the dialog on the Upright and Reversed paths are different.

Reversed
Julian: "You'll hurt yourself if you keep going, won't you?"
Julian: "... Okay, [Apprentice]. I'll try to learn magic."
Apprentice: "Are you sure?"
Julian: "For you, I'd do anything."

Upright
Julian: "[Apprentice]... Let me help you. Like you've helped me."
Julian: "Teach me magic."
Apprentice: "Are you sure?"
Julian: "As long as you promise to take good care of me."

The sprites that accompany his dialog are also different: panicked, neutral, and finally smiling in the Reversed dialog; determined, smiling, and smirking in the Upright. I'm pointing this out because using the smirking sprite indicates that "take good care of me" is meant to be at least vaguely sexual. He's relaxed enough on the Upright path to joke around here, while on the Reversed path he's frightened.

On the Upright path, he wants to help, and he's more confident in his ability to do so: "Teach me" rather than "I'll try." On the Reversed path, he feels like he has to, because he's afraid of what might happen if he doesn't, but saying "I'd do anything" indicates that he's still uncomfortable with the idea.

This, combined with jumping out of the goddamn window, shows that on the Reversed path, Julian is still acting out of a perceived obligation and need to martyr himself in an attempt to alleviate his guilt. On the Upright path, however, he's confident and calm enough to think things through and make decisions for himself.

Oh, boy.

Sit the fuck down, we're going to break pattern for a moment.

We're going to talk about Nopal, Muriel, and the beast at the edge of the desert.

In Book VIII - The Chariot, you meet the beast at the edge of the desert. It approaches to sniff you, and you are presented with the option to get sniffed or to sniff back.

There are a number of choices in the game that the devs have referred to as "flavor" choices. Most choices, especially in the early game, are "flavor" choices. These choices won't affect the Upright or Reversed ending, only the scene that immediately follows the choice. Typically, but not always, these affect how kinky things get: Do you want to ask Nadia to kiss you or bite you? At a glance, this appears to be a "flavor" choice: Do you want to act placid or silly?

However, there are two things this choice alters:

If you get sniffed, the beast is confused. It thinks it knows who you are, but it's not completely sure. It tells you that "you look different. You have a different smell." It's confused, and so are you. You offer the explanation that you saw it in a dream once (and you did, during the prologue!), but this only confuses it more. Asra explains that you wouldn't remember having met it before. Then, it smells Asra and says he smells the same as he always has, like "hope and devotion."

If you sniff back, the beast recognizes you and says "you have a new smell, but still like you." It's happy to see you. You think you've met the beast before; it feels familiar to you. Asra panics a little, probably because of the consequences associated with recovering your memories. Then, it smells Asra and says he smells the same as he always has, like "hope and pain."

Tumblr user eternalxin poses an interesting question: Which scent is better?

I want you to hold onto that for a moment.

Asra asks the beast to take you to Nopal in order to escape the perceived danger in the palace. While you're there, you learn a few things. The people in Nopal are familiar with him, and not only by reputation. A man named Saguaro passes the house. He's been coming by regularly, hoping to catch Asra there. He expects Asra to recognize him. Asra does not.

No matter. He'd like to request a favor. His town desperately requires the services of a wizard. The spring at the center of town has long since dried up, and they have no water. Asra leaves it up to you.

What am I, heartless? We go help the town (out of curiosity, I did pick "we're busy" on one playthrough. Asra laughs and turns Saguaro down, but you're roped into going anyway - you and Asra are just more reluctant about it. I also noticed that when you decide to go right away, Asra looks concerned. He doesn't really want to go).

Something else happens while you're in Nopal. You have dreams in which you're audience to some ominous monologuing from the designated source of all ominous warnings, Muriel.

When you tell Asra about this dream, you get to decide if it was good or bad.

However, you, unfortunately, don't remember the details. You can only describe it as "something about vanishing into our world together." Regardless of what you think of the dream, Asra's feelings about it don't change. If you say it was good, he agrees. If you say it was bad...

All this preamble, of course, is leading to the question: Asra, wandering magician known primarily for his soft hair, warmth, and utter devotion to his apprentice... what is his primary character flaw?

The Magician

Upright: Manifestation, resourcefulness, power, inspired action. The Magician makes real that which is unreal, manifesting desires from nothingness. Now is the time to take action, before all comes to naught. Stay focused: You have a job to do.
Reversed: Manipulation, poor planning, untapped talents. The Magician manipulates and obscures the truth. Their honeyed words seem like hope in the haze. Be wary of lies from the mouths of charismatic charmers. They will not keep their promises.










I'm kinda sneaky, aren't I?

Asra's route is a little different from the other two. He's not actually around a lot in the beginning of his own route, and once he does show up, well...

It takes a bit longer for the conflict to be resolved, as there's some catching up to do, plot-wise.

Specifically, it resolves when you insist on going to the Lazaret.

A question that's always plagued (heh) my mind regarding Asra is, just what the hell was his plan? We can tell from the flashbacks that he very clearly didn't come back to Vesuvia to find a cure for the plague. He lounged about the palace for most of the day and seemed almost callously glib about napping instead of trying to find a cure, considering the severity of the problem (the other two routes repeatedly emphasize how terrible the plague was, how the entire city was dying, how everyone was paranoid about the slightest sign of symptoms, and how everything seemed hopeless). He only returned to Vesuvia after he'd heard that the player character had died, to find out for himself and bring them back. He used the body intended for Lucio because it was convenient and he hated Lucio, but he didn't know that Lucio was connected to the plague.

Asra and the player character argued over the decision to stay in Vesuvia and care for victims of the plague. The player character was adamant that it was their responsibility to try to help. Asra wanted them to leave with him, but when they refused, and they fought, he left anyway. When he came back, he came back for them.

Did he know they wouldn't have their memories when they came back? What would he have done if killing Lucio didn't just happen to also cure the plague? Would he have left with them, abandoning Vesuvia to die of the plague again? What if they did have their memories? What if they still refused to go with him?

What smells better, devotion or pain?

Asra's flaw is his devotion to you. Because it's all-consuming. Because it's gone untempered. Because nothing else matters to him. Because he'd rather vanish somewhere safe with you than face the reality of the plague, the reality that you wanted to stay behind. Reversed, The Magician obscures the truth, and Asra uses his feelings for you as a shield to obscure the truth from himself.

The beast reacts more positively when Asra smells like "hope and pain," because being in pain means he's seeing things for what they really are. Even if you're together, he can't turn his back on the world.

Masquerade 

A little bit of fun, a lot of mystery solving, and a strong dose of angst. You and Asra decide that, in order to stop Lucio from completing the ritual, you first have to figure out how, exactly, the ritual worked three years ago. The two of you visit various rooms, attempting to trigger his memories of the last masquerade. It's going pretty well, until Muriel shows up to tell you that Faust is missing.

The Devil

Faust had been staying at Muriel's hut, until she ran off on her own. Muriel and Inanna tried to follow her, but she was taken by Lucio. Now she's being used as a bargaining chip by The Devil.

Here, The Devil is most persistent. In the other routes, he bargains once and immediately resorts to a plan b if you refuse. In Asra's route, you have three opportunities to accept, and he asks for your company for the shortest amount of time: an hour or less.

He also explicitly refuses to deal with Asra at all. You have to decide.

Should you accept at any point, this is the only instance where he sticks around to talk to you while you're non-corporeal; he asks you if you enjoyed the masquerade. When the two of you notice the grey "smoke," he says it's time for him to leave. You follow the "smoke" to the ballroom, where Asra and Faust sense your magic, and rush towards you before Lucio returns.

If you refuse all three times, you're alone when you're pulled from your body. You follow the grey "smoke" to the ballroom. Once again, Asra and Faust sense your magic, and rush towards you before Lucio returns.

The Tower

An anonymous user submitting to thearcanapositivity on Tumblr found the first difference between two playthroughs of Asra's route. There are two different versions of the reasons why he loves you.

Reversed: "You are everything to me. Your smile, your warmth, the feeling of your magic woven with mine... The stars could fall from the sky. The world could disappear all around us. And I'd still be full of joy with you by my side. It's a strange feeling... having someone else share my life so completely. But I wouldn't trade it for anything else."

Upright: "I love you for the difference you've made to me. I see the world differently because of you. The colors are brighter. The days are longer, and the nights shorter. Even the most ordinary faces in Vesuvia seem warmer. I used to daydream about all the adventures we'd have together. All the places we could run to. And I still do. But now... I think anywhere and anything could be an adventure with you."

On the Reversed path, Asra's entirely focused on you. The rest of the world doesn't matter to him. On the Upright path, however, he loves you because he sees the world differently because of you. He isn't avoiding the world and it's problems, he's learning to embrace it and see it differently.

That's it. That's all I have for now - farewell, and don't make any clandestine deals with suspicious entities, kids!